I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
