Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
