I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
