My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
