He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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