explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
