My friends, they love my intelligence
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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