so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
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