Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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