how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
