How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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