youre lurking in front of me
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
