As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
