i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
