when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
