let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
