I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
