I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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