I skipped work to stalk him.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
