Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
