Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
pop tarts are not kleenex
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
