Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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