Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
