No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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