I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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