I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
