You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
