My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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