The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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