Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
