You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
