I think my fart just growled at me.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
