You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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