my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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