My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Hippo gnu deer
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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