We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
