I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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