The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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