Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
