HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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