Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I think people are normalizing furries
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
