Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
