i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Randomize
