i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
