I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
