sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
