I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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