You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Randomize
