The police scanner is talking about you again....
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
