She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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