Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
